It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and I’m in the unlikeliest of places.

I should be in my bed in my apartment.

But I’m out.

Not out on the town so to speak, but out of my apartment, which is just as unlikely.

I’m sitting in a circle with some new friends playing a game called Campfire.

It’s one of those games that’s a little less…

roll the dice and move the plastic piece around the cardboard rectangle until you win

and a lot more…

pull a card and answer an uncomfortable question about life, your perspective, and your experience that reveals to other people intimate parts of yourself you’d rather no one know.

While there is a part of me that actually very much loves and appreciates these kinds of “games,” they usually work best if I’m in the mood, and out of my head.

That particular night, I was out of the mood and in my head.

But when it was my turn to draw a card, I luckily drew a very innocuous question.

Whew. No need to go to therapy just yet…

It read something to the effect of:

Are there any other lifestyles that you would like to experience living?

When I first hear the question, leftover “old programming” perpetuated by “society” triggers me causes me to interpret the question in a way that almost carries with it an element of fantasy.

The status quo tells me to pick one thing and do it until my soul leaves my body:

• Get married
• Buy a house
• Have kids
• Get a corporate job

And keep the same spouse, house, kids, and job forever.

So this question, “are there any other lifestyles you would like to experience?,” kind of implies that your opportunity to experience any other lifestyle that interests you is not feasible.

It implies that you’re already locked into the lifestyle you have now, but asks you, in another time, in another life, what would interest you?

It’s amazing that we live in a time though, where we do have more options and we can much more feasibly than we could a few decades ago, get to live different lives.

Due to the nature of what I do, I am very grateful that I am able to experience a different lifestyle every few months if I choose to.

I suppose you could say that I’m somewhat of a digital nomad.

Well, I am a digital nomad, which has a positive or negative connotation depending on who you ask.

But I am a digital nomad in the sense that I have a location independent online business, so my ability to make money from anywhere in the world thankfully allows me the freedom to live anywhere in the world.

The best part about this is that it makes it feasible for me to entertain the idea of experiencing multiple lifestyles, and to get to live and test out different ways of life in different places for short periods of time.

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There are lots of lifestyles that I’d like to experience…

• Farm life
• Van life
• Scuba diving instructor on a tropical island life
• Cosmopolitan, high-rise in the big city, I go to charity galas on the weekends for no reason, Mommy and Daddy are rich and I’m fabulous life

…to name a few.

And there are lots of lifestyles that I’ve lived, most of which have been (or eventually become) enjoyable, and almost all of which have been very different from one another.

And it’s that last part that’s the kicker.

The lives I’ve lived have all been different, but I realized that I don’t always treat or appreciate them as such.

The part that I often forget is that despite the fact that they’ve all been different, they’ve almost all been great. In their own way.

Just like different parts of all of our lives–different seasons, different parts of our days, different relationships, different phases of life–can be enjoyable in their own way, if we let them be.

But this is something that came to me in a recent reflection.

It isn’t something I always recognize in real time.

What I’ve noticed is that with each place I live in for a few months, I discover something to add to my wishlist for the next place that I’ll temporarily call home.

As I travel and collect different “lives” and lifestyles from living in different places, I notice that I take my favorite parts of the places I find myself in, and force them onto the next place.

So I’m adding characteristics and expectations to the wish list of what I’m looking for in the next destination based on the place I’m in now.

I unknowingly try to force the next place into a box that denies it its own opportunity to fully reveal to me the best parts of itself, and denies me the ability to see and appreciate those unique parts because I’m too busy trying to hold it to a particular standard of a different place entirely, a standard that is not at all characteristic of that new place.

The perils of preference stacking

It makes sense to have preferences.

But it doesn’t make sense to always stack them.

Have you ever been guilty of this?

Have you ever lived in the city, wishing you had the serenity of the suburbs?

Then moved to the suburbs and wished you had the energy of the city?

Have you ever been on an epic adventure and wished you were at the family barbeque?

Then gone to visit your family and wished you were on an epic adventure?

Why is it so hard to just be grateful for what you have?

What if you just appreciated each thing for what it is, rather than forcing or expecting it to be like something it is not?

Otherwise, in focusing on what something lacks, you miss the wonderful things that it has–the wonderful things it offers that nothing else does.

How much more could I enjoy living in a highrise in Tokyo if I didn’t expect it to give me the same zen vibe that comes with the full immersion of living in nature on a rice field in Bali?

How much more could I enjoy dating someone new if I didn’t expect my next boyfriend to be a clone of my last?

How much more could I enjoy vegan bacon if I didn’t expect it to actually taste like real bacon?

(Side note to vegans: can we just call vegan bacon something else? It’s literally nothing like bacon).

Covid was a season where most people were forced to stay put–which could have been frustrating, or good if you embraced it for what it offered to you that you wouldn’t otherwise have gotten (stillness, extended undistracted time to truly connect with loved ones, etc…you know, all the positive stuff you saw on people’s Instagram captions in 2020).

To take it further, I’m not a parent, but I imagine that as a parent, you wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) expect for each of your children to be like the others.

You would accept that each of them is different, rather than cursing one for not having the same personality, look, disposition, and talents as another.

Your children would all be different, and you would love them all equally, but differently.

You would love them all for their uniqueness, for the special differences that make them them.

You would appreciate your time with each one, and enjoy connecting with them and experiencing what you can only experience during your time connecting with that specific one.

The real reason you have a laundry list

Why did I find myself accumulating this long list of incongruent and eventually impossible to coexist wishlist items for a place to live?

Why did I find myself, at an exponential rate, growing a home base wishlist that rivaled the length and unrealisticness of many people’s wish list for a life partner?

My comfort zone. I wanted to stay in it.

And I wanted to protect it.

Very ironic endeavors for someone who has left their home country and intentionally built a life around perpetual international travel.

But I think that was it.

The biggest thing behind my preference stacking was my desire to make everything “perfect.”

If you find the perfect thing, place, or person, you won’t have to be challenged to adapt, change, or get out of your comfort zone.

But it’s that second part where you grow and where you expand your capacity to experience happiness.

If things have to be only one way for you to be happy, you make your life a lot harder for yourself.

And you also perhaps even more greatly diminish other people’s ability to be happy around you.

Nobody likes that person that has to have things exactly their way in order for them to be in a good mood.

Choose to look at everything with fresh eyes, an open mind, and an open heart, instead of letting your innate resistance for change cause you to try to make the next be like the last.

Everything in life does not have to be cumulative.

We can just experience each thing fully on its own, in succession.

And we’d be a lot happier if we did.

You can’t have it all.

Not at the same time.

But you can have one thing at a time.

One amazing thing at a time.

How to make the best of what you have in front of you

Notice. Appreciate. Embrace. Release.

Notice.

Take note of each characteristic that makes things special.

What do you feel?

What do you see?

What do you sense?

How are those things unique to this particular experience?

Appreciate.

Be grateful for what you are presently experiencing, knowing that it is not anything to be taken for granted, is not something you’re automatically entitled to, and most importantly knowing that it is impermanent.

So appreciate it while you can.

Embrace.

Relish in the experience provided by the unique combination of characteristics that only this thing, place, or person can provide by leaning into the emotions that it brings…

…joy, nostalgia, excitement, even sadness at times…

…whatever it may be.

As each of those emotions and each experience brings with it its own lessons. 

Release.

Let go of the idea that this experience has to be repeated in a future context in order for you to be happy in that future “place,” whether that be a literal place or a metaphorical one.

Let go of the past, whether good or bad, in order to be open to the future, so that you can fully embrace and appreciate what’s next.

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With this perspective, everything changes.

I can now enjoy the privilege and adventure of riding a motorbike every day in Bali, instead of cursing Bali for not being as walkable as Chiang Mai.

I can now enjoy eating homemade tacos in Mexico, instead of being upset that I’m no longer having mango sticky rice and bubble tea every other day like I did in Thailand.

I can enjoy the peace and visual spectacle of living on a rice field in Canggu instead of cursing the fact that I’m not in a high-rise, modern luxury apartment in Malaysia.

I’m no longer punishing each place for being different, for not meeting my unfair and unrealistic expectations.

So now every time I go to a different place, I try to….

Notice – the architecture, the colors, the local garb…

Appreciate – the food, the weather, the different types of residences there…

Embrace – the unique vibe, the type of nature there, the people I’m surrounded by at the time, everything that makes a place feel different than any other place in the world

Release – any expectation of the next place being anything like the last, and the necessity of the next place being anything like the last in order for me to be happy

Now, everything is a treat.

Everything is a privilege.

And everything can make me happy.

That’s the most important takeaway here…

Things don’t have to be just one way in order for you to be happy

And that’s the whole irony of this preference stacking.

Sometimes what starts off as preference stacking turns into preference substitution.

At first I had to live in a place that was walkable.

Then I moved to a place where you had to drive a motorbike to get around.

Then I fell in love with driving a motorbike and had to live in a place where I could drive a motorbike.

And it just goes to show that:

You are adaptable, there is a happiness that comes from within that is independent of outside conditions, and you can be happy in more than one circumstance.

When it comes to learning how to enjoy life, it’s not just about how to enjoy life when things go perfectly your way, or how to enjoy life when you’re on top.

You need to know how to enjoy every moment of life, no matter how big or small.

Because that’s what your life is made of-millions of moments.

And if you don’t embrace the impermanence of life and appreciate things before they’re gone, these moments will simply slip away.

Being present and appreciating things for what they are as they come, are the only ways to live your best life.

It’s okay to have preferences, but when your preferences get in the way of your peace, that’s when you have a problem.

When your preferences get in the way of your happiness, that’s when you have a problem.

There’s something fun and novel about being able to oscillate between multiple worlds, lifestyles, seasons, experiences, events, friend groups…

There’s something about dichotomy that makes you appreciate both ends of the spectrum.

Uniqueness and polarity amplify the best of everything, and the choice to fully plug into each end of the spectrum turn life into a blessing and a gift.

So enjoy the buffet.