Life is constantly presenting us with change and challenges, the fallout of which can lead to the feeling that we’ve lost the essence of who we are.

One of the worst feelings is to lose yourself.

This can happen in seasons that can last weeks, months, or even years.

The longer we stay in that place, the further we feel from who we were, and the more hopeless we feel to be able to recapture and reconnect with ourselves.

And in that hopelessness, we look for distractions.

Instead of doing the hard task of searching for ourselves again, we instead reach for the lowest hanging fruit we can get our hands on to avert our eyes from the gaping hole in our lives.

It’s not possible to fill the void that comes from losing yourself with anything other than finding yourself again.

But as long as you are distracted by temporary highs, you can at least feel something else to numb the pain from the grief of the loss of who you once were.

For me, it was a relationship.

Several years ago, I started to feel like I’d lost my spark.

Soon after that initial feeling, I met someone, and was relieved and overjoyed to feel good again, even if it was contingent upon my association with another person.

We ended up being in a relationship for three years.

And throughout that entire three-year relationship, that feeling of not being myself persisted.

It was just masked by the joys of love and companionship, and it didn’t fully resurface until after our relationship ended.

The relationship came and went, and three years later, I was left in a worse position than I started–the same void from having lost myself, plus heartbreak.

Instead of distracting myself and being content with that distraction, what I should have done is work on getting back to me.

Here is a 7-step process to feel like yourself again and find the version of you inside that can sometimes get lost in the inevitable ebbs and flows of life.

01 / Identify the traits that make you feel like “yourself.”

Think for a moment about who you are–who you would describe yourself to be, and the traits you have.

Seems simple enough.

But this can be easier said than done.

Who you consider yourself to be can so easily be:

– lost after a setback

– muddled with expectations others have on you based on your role in their lives

– hidden under a mass of personal and professional obligations

Think of the traits and qualities you would use to describe yourself:

– before you experienced a setback that was mentally or emotionally painful for you

– before you had a relationship or family (if you have that now)

– when you were at your freest, happiest, and best

Maybe your list will note that you are creative, adventurous, playful, ambitious, resourceful…just take note of whatever it is you come up with.

02 / Identify actions that would result in the embodiment of the traits you’ve noted.

You can’t help but feel fit if you work out every day.

You can’t help but feel spontaneous if you go online and book a random flight next month to whatever is the cheapest destination you can find.

If you want to feel involved in the community, volunteer.

If you want to feel creative, create.

If you want to feel playful, play.

Identify an action–one time, recurring, or both–that will result in bringing your desired traits to fruition.

The one time action will quickly kickstart the embodiment of your desired trait.

The recurring action will make it easier to continue the embodiment of your desired trait.

Every trait you want to have is tied to an action.

And-

Every feeling you want to feel about yourself is tied to an action that will induce that feeling.

03 / Remove obstacles that interfere. 

When things are hard, make them easier.

We always try to push through with brute force, then feel down on ourselves when we fall short, when really we’re trying to do things the most arduous way possible.

If you want to eat healthy, remove junk food from your house.

If you want to do four hours of deep, focused work, remove your phone from the room you’re working in.

Change is hard enough.

Taking action despite feeling down on yourself is hard enough.

Doing new things you’ve never done before or haven’t done in a long time is hard enough.

But it’s possible to make it easy for you to do hard things.

For each action you decide to take in order to embody the traits you feel you’ve lost, remove any potential tripwires or obstacles that could hold you back or sabotage you.

04 / Schedule your actions.

Don’t just dream.

Don’t just think.

Don’t just wish.

Whatever it is…

Book it.

Schedule it.

Put it on your calendar.

Put it on your to do list where you will see it.

It’s not enough to say you want to do something.

Lock yourself in and commit by assigning actions to specific time slots.

If something is not on your calendar, it’s safe to assume it’s not going to happen.

05 / Prepare.

Set yourself up for success by doing as much advance preparation as possible, so when it comes time to do your predetermined actions, you don’t have any potential confusion or friction that would make you start to talk yourself out of it.

If you want to eat healthy, plan and cook your meals for the week in advance.

If you want to work out, pre-plan your exact workouts for the week, and lay out your workout clothes each night, the day before you workout.

Batch prepare and batch plan well in advance to help ensure successful execution.

06 / Be clear on what you want.

You’ve taken inventory on what you need to do to recapture who you once were.

Now it’s time to look forward again.

Answer the following questions:

– What do you want for your future?

– What do you want to achieve?

– Who do you want to become?

07 / Actively pursue what you want.

Now that you’ve figured out where you’re headed, actively pursue the ideal future version of you.

How?

By doing the aforementioned things on this list.

You can use these tips not just to recapture the person you used to be, but to create the person you want to become:

– Identify the traits that the ideal future version of you possesses.

– Identify actions that would result in the embodiment of each of those traits.

– Remove obstacles that interfere.

– Schedule the actions to lock in your commitment.

– Prepare in advance to make execution easier.

The most important part to remember is to act despite your feelings.

When you don’t feel like yourself, it’s emotionally painful.

That’s why-

You can’t wait to act until you feel good, optimistic, or motivated.

You have to act first so that you can feel good, optimistic, and motivated.

You can’t feel your way to better feelings.

Or think your way to better thoughts.

That comes as a result of action-

action you may not want to take right now because you feel hopeless, stuck, or like nothing is ever going to work.

But know that those are just feelings, just thoughts.

Not reality, not truth.

It takes positive action to supersede negative thoughts.

If you want to feel better feelings, you must first take better actions.

In doing this, you will finally find your way back to yourself again.