By nature, I am an introvert.

And I used to be very quiet and painfully shy–like painful for me and painful for the other people around me.

Painful for me because I was ostracizing myself, and painful for others because my God, was I awkward.

I accepted being shy and quiet as a part of who I was.

They were traits that I had.

But…

There comes a time when you have to push back on your identification with certain character traits if they are not getting you the results you want.

In my case, I would notice how people responded to my friends who were more friendly, talkative, and outgoing.

I noticed how they got invitations, were asked out, were offered opportunities, were given favors, how people gravitated towards them and talked favorably about them when they were not around…

I saw that for them…

• Being open opened doors

• Connecting with others bred happiness

• Making friends led to the creation of incredible memories

Meanwhile, I was sitting in the corner, alone and mute, like a psycho, wondering why none of that was happening for me.

I had to force myself to change because I wasn’t getting the outcomes I wanted.

As a digital nomad and solo traveler, I can’t afford to be shy and quiet.

If I always allowed myself to retreat into my shell, and shrink into my comfort zone, I would be perpetually lonely and depressed.

And it would be no one’s fault but my own.

Luckily, having friends who were naturally much more outgoing than I was, I was able to study them to see…how does a social butterfly make friends?

I’ve read books (well, like 70% of one book) on conversation.

I’ve watched youtube videos on the art of chit-chat and charisma.

And I’ve experimented with many things myself, and would take notice of what point in my interactions with people did things seem to take a positive turn towards the potential transition from acquaintance to friend, and what I did to trigger that.

Now, after much practice doing the things I’m about to talk about in this article, I am much less shy and quiet, and I’ve even–dare I say–come to like people and enjoy social interaction more than I used to.

Here are a few mindset shifts you can make, and a few key actions you can take to make friends easily, even as an introverted adult.

4 Mindset Shifts to Remember:

Most people are not unfriendly–they’re just uncomfortable.

We’ve all felt it when we walk into a room of people where no one is talking, no one is making eye contact, and people are deliberately on their phones to try to cope with their discomfort and distract from their lack of social skills.

It’s awkward.

It’s cold.

It’s unwelcoming.

And because we pick up on the vibe of the room being that way, we automatically assign those same traits to the people in the room.

They’re awkward.

They’re cold.

They’re unwelcoming.

We draw conclusions about the people we are surrounded by based on their behavior.

But have you noticed that if one person says one thing, or laughs, it doesn’t just break the silence, it breaks the tension?

Then it gives everyone permission to relax and interact, and let their guards down.

People who you previously saw as being to themselves, seemingly scowling, are now chatting openly, joking, and laughing.

The awkward silence that you thought was fueled by snobbery and rudeness was just fueled by insecurity and social discomfort.

Most people are friendly and want to talk.

Most people would feel more comfortable chatting with a stranger than sitting next to them stiffly, trying not to make eye contact.

People don’t want to sit in awkward silence.

They just don’t feel comfortable breaking it.

People interpret your behavior to be about them, not about you.

When you’re sitting in the corner of a room alone, not saying a word…

People don’t think you’re shy, they think you’re mean.

They don’t think you’re quiet, they think you’re creepy.

They don’t think you’re sad, they think you’re negative.

The same negative assumptions you make about people when they are not being friendly, open, or talkative, other people are making about you when you are not being friendly, open, or talkative.

People will think you’re not interested in them and are not the kind of person they would want to get to know.

People don’t look at you and see your childhood trauma.

People don’t look at you and see the years of financial stress from struggling to pay your bills.

People don’t look at you and see the partner who just broke up with you and broke your heart.

They don’t look at you with sympathy for the middle school bullying that put you into a shell. 

They don’t see the bills that you have no idea how you’re going to pay.

They don’t see the job you just lost.

All they see is your behavior.

And the thing is…

People interpret your behavior through a lens that makes it about them, not about you.

While it would be nice if they gave you the benefit of the doubt, human nature simply doesn’t work that way (at least not for extended periods of time), and you can’t leave your outcomes contingent upon the most ideal behavior of someone else.

If you want to make friends, you have to act in a way that is friendly, despite the negative or painful things that have happened to you in your past.

The tricky opposing side to that is that you cannot expect people to do the same for you.

You are going to have to give people grace, while not expecting them to give it to you.

It’s going to be up to you to assume that when people are acting unfriendly, it’s not because of you, and they’ll open up to you if you open up to them first.

You are going to have to give them that chance, without expecting them to give it to you.

Every time you meet someone new, you get to decide who you are.

There’s something magical about meeting a stranger.

It’s like waving a magic wand and getting a chance at a fresh start and a new identity.

You can show up as a different person, as whoever you want to be, free from the mental and emotional hang ups you once had.

You may have grown up as insecure, bullied, and ostracized.

But people don’t have to know or feel that when they first meet you.

When you enter a room of strangers, people don’t already know you and they don’t know your past.

You can enter that room as whoever you want to be, and whatever you immediately present is who people will immediately accept you to be.

You can choose the impression you make.

You get to set the stage for how you are perceived.

You can walk into the room–big smile, straight posture, shoulders back, head held high–as a confident, bold person.

Or you can enter the room with a half-frown, slumped shoulders as someone who is insecure and standoffish.

People will know you as who you present yourself to be, not who you actually are.

And not who you once were.

You could be (or could have been) a shy, insecure person, but if you enter a room with open posture and a warm greeting, people won’t perceive you that way.

You don’t have to change who you are, but you do need to show who you are.

I used to characterize myself as shy and quiet.

But I was only like that with people I didn’t yet know.

When I was around my family or people who I already considered to be good friends, I was much more outspoken and carefree.

I was funny, I was charming, I was playful, I was energetic.

Because of this, I used to think–Oh, people just have to get to know me first. I’m shy and quiet, but over time, as I get more comfortable, I loosen up, then they’ll see how awesome I am.

This is crazy thinking.

I used to think it was other people’s job to know who I am without knowing me at all.

To make an evaluation of who I am that is contrary to the clues about who I am that I presented to them.

Despite me being a total stranger, and coming off as a total bitch/creeper, I put it on them to just assume and know that deep down inside, I am so fabulous that they should spend months and years fighting through my prickly exterior, pushing past my spikes, and peeling back my layers to get to know the real me…and once you do, just trust me you’ll love it, and it’ll all be worth it.

Huh?? 🤔🤔

And then we turn our discomfort into stubbornness.

‘Well if they don’t want to take the time to really get to know me, then that’s on them, it’s their loss, I’m the prize, they don’t deserve my company anyway, I’m not chasing after people, begging them to–’

Whoah, whoah, whoah…

This is as outlandish as expecting someone to offer you a job without you presenting them a resume or demonstrating any qualifications.

Or to marry you without even meeting you.

You can’t expect people to know who you are or know that you are worth knowing, without showing them anything first that indicates that.

People don’t put effort into things where they don’t detect a potential return.

If you present as a cold person, no one is thinking, maybe they’re warm and fuzzy on the inside, let me go chat them up!

Just like how you watch a trailer to see if you want to invest in watching the whole movie, give people little clues of who you are so they can see based on the preview if you are someone they want to get to know further.

If you’re funny, crack a joke.

If you’re friendly, smile and say hi.

If you’re considerate, do a small considerate thing, like asking them if they want a refill if you’re going to get one for yourself.

Whatever you want people to know about you, just show them a small taste of it in your first interaction with them.

IMPORTANT:

Don’t confuse showing who you are with changing who you are.

None of this means you should present as someone you are not.

This doesn’t mean that if you’re an introvert, you have to become an extrovert.

Or if you’re quiet, you have to become the life of the party.

It just means that you need to give people clues to the best aspects of your personality upon first meeting them, instead of expecting them to wait months into your relationship to see the realest, best, most comfortable version of you.

5 Actions to Take

Warm up the room as soon as you walk into it.

Be the person to say something as soon as you enter a room.

It could be anything.

A joke, a playful comment on the weather, a compliment, or just a “hi” with a smile.

There’s no need to have an entire speech or stand-up comedy routine prepared.

And the point here isn’t to show your conversational brilliance.

It’s just to break the tension, give everyone in the room permission to speak, and show people it’s okay to talk in this space, and it’s okay to talk to you.

The sooner you do it, the less awkward it will feel for you and the people in the room.

The more you wait, the more uncomfortable and in your head you’ll become.

Then you’ll just talk yourself out of it and let yourself off the hook with a…”well maybe next time”…

That’s why I say you need to do this as soon as you enter a space.

You have the power to shift the energy when you walk into a room, and in doing so, shape the way people perceive you and influence the way people are drawn to you.

You can get people to come to you, initiate conversation, and open up to you.

And all it takes is a smile and a two-letter word.

Use this power to your advantage.

Always remember two things about people–

In a world where people love to say with a laugh, smile, and shoulder shrug “I’m bad with names,” you will really stand out if you actually remember someone’s name.

It makes people feel special that you remembered and creates the feeling of rapport and connection.

Remember someone’s name and use it in conversation and greet them with it every time you see them.

Also, when you first meet people, find out about a long term project they are working on.

It could be building a business, starting a farm, trying to go vegan, training for a marathon, anything that is a long term process.

That way, you have a way to encourage people (everyone likes a good attaboy and a solid pat on the back), you always have a point from which to start conversation the next time you see them, and when you bring it up, you show them that you remembered something specific about them and significant to them, which makes them feel like you care.

Join hobbies that make connection easy and automatic.

When you have a social hobby, you eliminate the awkwardness of starting from scratch, and walking up to a complete stranger on the street and starting a conversation.

You’re already in a container, brought together by a mutual interest.

Pick a low friction activity that occurs at the same location on a recurring basis and gives you the opportunity to see the same people multiple times a week.

By low friction, I mean something that doesn’t cost (what feels to you like) excessive time, money, or energy to do regularly–so nothing that’s too far out of your budget, nothing that’s super far away and requires a long stressful traffic-filled commute, nothing that you don’t really enjoy–basically, eliminate as many excuses as possible for you to not do it often.

Pickleball, salsa dancing, golf, intramural soccer league, crossfit…

The activity itself becomes the ice breaker, you already have common ground and something you’re both passionate about to talk about, and you’ll see these people often, giving you a chance to build a relationship over time with repeated interaction.

Throw out bait, then take action based on what you catch.

When you get in conversation with someone, the goal should be to find common ground as soon as possible.

This is not just to give you something to talk about (although that’s of course nice), but to give you a way to continue and grow your connection beyond your current conversation and outside of your present environment.

If you’ve gotten the vibe from someone that you want to keep spending time with them and grow a friendship, start looking for common interests that will take you to a different setting.

If you see they seem to be a foodie, mention a few specific restaurants you’ve always wanted to try.

If they seem active and adventurous like you, mention an activity or sport you’ve always wanted to do.

You’re basically giving people bait so they can say “me too,” so you can then say “let’s do it!”

This is an easy, non-awkward way to exchange contact information, and the best thing to do here is decide on a set date and time right there in that interaction, then tell them you’ll text them a couple days before your planned meeting to follow up.

Setting the exact date and time immediately (even though it’s okay if it changes) is what shows you’re serious and is the difference between you guys talking about how it would be nice to do something, and actually doing it.

Greet people like you’re happy to see them.

Everyone wants to feel wanted.

They want to feel that you are happy to see them, and happy to share space and time with them.

So show this to people.

Greet them with enthusiasm–their name, a big smile, a warm hug (not a church hug), take your voice up a half octave if you have to…

We want to feel like we belong in a space, and are welcome in a space, so if you can create that feeling for other people, they’ll love you for it.