What is the most important relationship of your life?

All external evidence in the form of societal conditioning and mass media point to the conclusion that a relationship with a romantic partner is the most important one of your life.

But who do you spend the most time with?

Who determines your thoughts, that you can’t escape?

Who frames those thoughts into a self concept and world view that affects everything you do, and therefore, every outcome of your life?

You.

You are the only person who will be with you for 100% of your life, 100% of the time, guaranteed. 

As Jon Kabat-Zin says, where ever you go, there you are.

When we set a goal of improving our relationships, we usually are thinking of improving our relationships with others.

But considering that you cannot escape yourself–physically, mentally, or emotionally–doesn’t it make sense to prioritize improving your relationship with yourself?

How can you do this?

As it turns out, the same ways that you can improve your relationship with others.

Here are  six ways…

Speak kindly. 

We have the power to build people up or tear them down with our words.

But for some reason, it’s much easier to speak positivity over others than it is ourselves.

As someone who considers themselves ambitious, with high personal standards, and is committed to continual growth in every area of life, I personally struggle with this.

There’s a fine, fuzzy line between “needs improvement” and “not good enough.”

But our word choice and the way we speak to ourselves makes all the difference in our mood, confidence, self esteem, and motivation.

Don’t constantly beat yourself up in your head with all the things you did wrong and all the ways you fall short.

If someone else spoke to us the way we often speak to ourselves, we would call it abuse.

If we were in a relationship with someone who spoke to us the way we often speak to ourselves, we would leave, and be advised by others to leave.

Maybe you don’t speak kindly to yourself because of self-imposed pressure to become and achieve more.

Or maybe it’s because of being mistreated in your past by others who didn’t know your worth.

Either way, don’t allow anything to be an excuse for being hyper critical of yourself.

You can self correct in a loving and constructive way without tearing yourself down or destroying your self esteem.

When assessing yourself, before completing a train of thought, pause and ask if you would say this to another person.

Be positive, kind, and loving in your internal dialogue with yourself, and also in the way you speak about yourself to others.

Support growth. 

Supporting someone’s growth is two fold.

It’s a combination of encouraging the things they do right, and exposing the things they do wrong.

When someone truly supports your growth, it will feel good at times, and it will feel not so good at times.

A “yes man” is not a good friend.

Being surrounded by people who only hype you up, whether warranted or not, may feel like support, but it’s highly detrimental to your overall growth and potential.

Someone who watches and lets you get away with behavior that is harmful to you and your future is not a good friend or a real friend.

You need someone in your corner who will pat you on the back and also call you out on your crap.

So when it comes to supporting your own growth, celebrate your wins, yes.

But also hold yourself accountable for your missteps and the areas where you need improvement.

Check in. 

Healthy relationships require emotional availability and periodic check-ins.

In any given moment, you have no idea what people are dealing with or how they’re feeling.

Life is full of ups and downs.

We all know this to be a fact of our own experiences, but for some reason, we tend to assume that other people’s life experiences are the same way they were when we were last aware of them.

We think, ‘oh she was doing great last time I spoke to her, so she’s probably still doing great.’

Or conversely, ‘her life was in shambles last time I spoke to her, so it probably still is.’

In reality, conditions are not static.

Downs turn to ups and ups turn to downs.

When in a relationship, you should take an interest in the other party’s well being, and mental and emotional health by habitually checking in to see how they are feeling and how they are coping with those feelings.

When you do this for someone else, this might look like a simple call or text message on a recurring basis.

For yourself, you can do this with a daily journaling practice.

Each day, write out:

• what happened
• how you feel about it
• how you feel about how you feel about it (no, that’s not a typo)
• why you think you feel the way you do
• if those feelings are negative, how you could come back to a more positive place

I find that the last part comes naturally after writing the first four.

This doesn’t have to be deep, well-written, or make sense to anybody but you.

It can seemingly trivial or profound.

The point is to check in with your emotions, no matter the apparent validity of their root causes.

My journaling is a lot more fleshed out than this (because I’m a long-winded writer if you haven’t caught on), but a stripped down example might look like….

Someone cut in front of me in line at the grocery store. It made me mad. I felt invisible and like I didn’t matter, which made me feel a little sad that I’m still struggling with these feelings of being overlooked and afraid to speak up about it. But maybe she didn’t see me, and I took it personally because of what I went through in high school. Next time, I can use something like that as an opportunity to politely say I was waiting in line, then I could practice speaking up for myself and start to finally shed this feeling of inadequacy I’ve been carrying around for so long. By giving people the benefit of the doubt, maybe I’ll even start to change the way I see other people and realize that everyone isn’t against me after all.

This kind of regular journal practice is one of my favorite ways to check in with myself and maintain my mental and emotional sanity.

Something about regularly tuning in to your thoughts and feelings, and their root causes, really takes the edge off.

Take an interest. 

Gifts are not my love language, but it does make me feel special when someone gives me something that indicates to me that they really know me.

It doesn’t have to have monetary value.

But if it has sentimental value, or just demonstrates that the person cares enough about me to observe and remember what makes me happy, that’s all it takes for me to consider something to be a great gift.

Relationships are deepened by expanding the capacity in which you know someone.

This could be things as trivial as general preferences, likes, and dislikes, or as profound as hopes, fears, and past traumas.

How much of this do you know about the people you are in relationships with?

Not only do a lot of us have surface level relationships with others, but a lot of us have surface level relationships with ourselves.

We often operate on autopilot, following the leader, doing what the person in front of us does, not taking the time to design our lives around our own particular interests or goals, and not taking the time to even explore what those particular interests or goals might be.

Get to know yourself as an individual.

Get to know yourself intimately.

Pursue a deeper relationship with yourself and a deeper understanding of who you are.

What are the things that you like, fear, love, hate, want?

What are the things that excite you, propel you, disgust you?

I love to set time aside to just lie down with a journal, relax, and make lists of these things.

With this knowledge, you can intentionally integrate things into your life that make you feel good and intentionally exclude things from your life that make you feel bad.

You can intentionally pursue things that are in the direction of your goals, and avoid things that are not.

The more you know about yourself, the more you know how to better take care of yourself. 

Spend quality time. 

What is quality time?

Time where you are:

• fully present in an experience
• not thinking about what you were doing before
• not thinking about what you have to do after
• not wishing you were somewhere else
• not wishing you were with someone else

You are fully appreciating the activity you are engaged in, and the presence of the person you are with, giving them your undivided attention, with gratitude.

Quality time is time that is not rushed or cut short.

Quality time is also specific to each individual.

To spend quality time with someone is to spend time on activities that bring happiness to that particular person.

For one person, quality time might be to hit the golf course.

For another, to go on a hike.

For another, to binge watch The Bachelorette. 

To spend quality time with yourself, choose activities that make you happy, and be fully present in them. 

If you love crossword puzzles, choose a time (schedule it if you have to), set the mood with music, make your favorite snack if you want, grab your favorite buddy or find a place alone if that’s more your style, curl up with your favorite book, and knock yourself out.

Forget about everything else and everyone else, turn off your phone, eliminate all distractions, and just enjoy your experience.

You deserve your undivided attention.

Prioritize.

I’m not in the camp that thinks you should always put everyone else’s needs, wants, and priorities above your own as a way of proving that you truly care about them.

But it is hard to feel like someone cares about you when you always come last, and your needs are never deemed important enough to be a priority.

Sometimes, in relationships, you have to put the other person first.

There will be times where, because of what they are going through, they need special attention.

Sometimes, they have to come before your hobbies, your work, your to do list, and your other relationships.

Sometimes that’s just what it takes to nurture a relationship and you have to make sacrifices to truly be there for someone even when it’s inconvenient or not ideal.

But what happens when we, ourselves, need special attention?

It is kind to go out of your way to help other people meet their needs, but it doesn’t always make sense to be the martyr.

We’re made to feel guilty for putting ourselves first.

We’re looked at as selfish when we choose ourselves above others.

But sometimes, that’s exactly what needs to be done.

The same way you sometimes need to prioritize others, you need to sometimes prioritize yourself–your needs, your wants, your peace.

Forever.

Until death do us part.

When it comes to describing relationships, these words are usually reserved for association with marriage.

But really, they can only truly be applied without fail to your relationship with yourself.

Whether with yourself or with someone else, relationships can very heavily influence the quality and even the direction of our lives.

I hope these six tips help you improve your relationship with other people in your life, and even more importantly, with your only true forever partner–you.