How To Know When To Walk Away From A Relationship

They say with clothes that if you look in your closet and see an item you wouldn’t buy today if you saw it in a store, that you should get rid of it.

We always end up hoarding clothes we picked in our past, when we were different people with different tastes, standards and priorities.

We don’t clean out our closets enough.

And we don’t audit our relationships enough.

We hold on to relationships based on old information we used in the past to determine that we should have initiated the relationship.

But as time goes on, we’re constantly getting new information, and should therefore be continuously reevaluating the decision to be connected with someone.

All relationships start with intention and interest.

And they should only continue with intention and interest.

This is the part we forget.

Once you start a relationship with someone you still need to continue to choose to have a relationship with them.

You don’t just go along and hold on because of momentum and sunk costs.

If you’re wondering how to know when to walk away from a relationship (whether romantic, platonic, or family), answer the following seven questions, and you’ll have your answer.

01

How much of this relationship am I enduring versus enjoying?

We all love the great parts about relationships, where you:

• laugh until you cry
• form new inside jokes
• communicate safely and openly
• complete each other’s sentences
• lift each other’s moods and spirits
• reminisce about shared fond memories
• sit together in silence, sharing space but doing your own things

That’s all a part of actually enjoying a relationship.

But sometimes with that same person, you:

• forget who you were before you met them
• hide your personal victories to prevent envy
• bite your tongue for the sake of getting along
• unconsciously take on their negative behaviors
• allow yourself to be smothered by their problems
• walk on eggshells to try to avoid an explosive episode
• keep your pains to yourself because you know they won’t be understood

That’s what happens when you’re just enduring a relationship.

You may be in a relationship you enjoy, where you actually look forward to spending time with that person.

Or the opposite may be true.

You may be enduring your time with someone in discomfort, waiting for the time to pass until you can be alone or with someone else again.

Relationships are not supposed to be a torture, a punishment to get through, or a sentence to wait out.

They’re supposed to be a source of happiness.

Life is too short to just endure. It should be enjoyed.

Your relationships are no different.

No relationship is perfect.

But if your endurance to enjoyment ratio is tipped in favor of endurance, it may be time to say goodbye.

02

Is the relationship more about me or more about them?

Does the relationship revolve around their needs, wants, moods, victories, or problems?

Whenever you share good news, do you get the same level of support and praise you give them?

Some people will boast to you about their personal victories, but never want to celebrate your accomplishments to the same extent they want praise and admiration for their own.

Whenever you share bad news, do you get the same level of emotional support you give them?

Some people will emotionally dump on you when they need you, but then be nowhere to be found when you need them.

Is this person overly moody, and unable to control their emotions to an extent where their state dictates the energy of every interaction with them?

IE…

• If they’re in a good mood, we’re going to have a good day.
• If they’re in a bad mood, everyone is going to have a bad day.

Does this person dominate every conversation, make themselves the focal point of every interaction, and bulldoze you with all things pertaining to them?

You should never be in a position where you’re always giving more than you’re getting.

Ideally, it would be an even mix.

But due to the natural ebbs and flows of life, that will not always be possible.

There will be seasons where you are going through a hard time, where you will need more emotional support from them.

And conversely, there will be seasons where they are going through an especially hard time, and will need more emotional support from you.

But after being in relationship long enough with someone, enough time will have elapsed for you to see a pattern emerge.

03

Am I being influenced unconsciously by this person in a negative or positive way?

Notice the question was not “am I being influenced unconsciously by this person.”

Because it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of how.

You are always being unconsciously influenced by what is around you, people included.

It is said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

We are the average of these people in every way…in terms of our physical fitness, our financial state, level of discipline, view of how the world works, everything.

We tend to unconsciously take on the thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, habits, patterns, attitudes, and perspectives of those around us.

This can be scary if left up to happenstance.

Or it can be great, and to our advantage if we cultivate our circle intentionally.

We are of course always responsible for ourselves and the way we show up, but if we work with and not against our human nature, we can make things a lot easier and better for ourselves instead of the opposite.

That said, knowing that the people you are in proximity to can influence you, how is this person influencing you?

Sometimes, when we are too close to someone, we can be blind to the true answer to this question.

So ask someone else you trust if they’ve noticed changes in you when you’re around that person or in general.

Or think back to your recent behavior and look for anomalies.

You may have found yourself unexpectedly doing a random act of kindness for a stranger, or you may have found yourself unexpectedly losing your temper on someone when you ordinarily wouldn’t.

So do you find yourself taking on this person’s negative or positive traits?

Does this person even have enough positive traits for you to unconsciously take on?

04

Does proximity to this person make me feel elevated?

No one should be bringing you down.

That may seem obvious, but this next part may not.

They shouldn’t even be neutral. Only elevation.

That’s how discerning we should be with our relationships.

When you are around a person, or in a relationship with a person, you should feel elevated in every way–mood, energy, outlook…

We think, ‘okay well if they’re not obviously bringing me down, it’s fine if they’re just there…’

But imagine how much more rich and enjoyable your life would be if you only had people who brought you up and elevated you in every way?

How would your life experience change even if you had the same life and the same circumstances, but just different people in it? 

There is a saying that if you are not growing, you’re dying.

So with anything that is not propelling forward, the idea that it is staying the same is an illusion–it is actually trending downwards.

This is an idea I first heard about when it comes to business and revenue, but it can apply to relationships as well. 

Down is unacceptable. There is no neutral. Only up.

05

Is the continuation of our relationship rooted in connection or convenience? Or choice?

Sometimes, we prolong a breakup that was long coming because our families or friend groups are intertwined.

Or maybe it’s even more complicated, and you share children.

Sometimes, we stick around because of a logistical or financial convenience that ties us together like an apartment lease, shared mortgage, or joint business venture.

Bottom line, sometimes we stay in a relationship we know we should have left a long time ago because it’s easier and more convenient to stay.

The hassle of dismantling the shared aspects of the relationship is too daunting.

Do you want to be in the relationships you’re in?

Or are you continuing because it’s harder to split than stay together?

06

How much am I initiating (or at least finding myself wanting to initiate) plans with them versus just going along with plans they make?

What–or who, rather–is the origin of your plans?

Are you spending time with someone because you’re just accepting invitations, or do you want to spend time with them enough to initiate invitations?

The answer to this questions may not immediately point to whether or not you should end a relationship.

You may not ever be the one who makes plans, but that may not mean that you don’t want to spend time with the other person.

You may just need to step up, be more bold and assertive, and take more initiative.

So to take that even further, the question is: even if you’re not initiating plans now, do you at least want to?

Do you find yourself saying yes to invitations by the other person just because you can’t say no?

07

How much of our conversation is positive versus negative?

It’s easy to get lost in the conversation rabbit hole, and after one thing leading to another, having absolutely no idea how you got there.

But every conversation always starts somewhere.

It starts with one person initiating a topic, and the other person jumping in to respond and add to that topic.

The next time you’re in conversation with someone, be intentional about pausing and letting them start.

Pay attention to what they naturally bring up without you initiating or steering the conversation. 

Do they talk more about problems or possibilities?

Do they talk more about other people (gossip) or themselves?

Do they always start conversations with negative news?

Are they always complaining?

Are they judgmental?

Do they make a habit of talking down about other people?

Do they talk more about their passions and about things they love?

Or do they talk more about the things they hate?

What is their overall demeanor and energy when they talk to you?

When people physically expand, and light up with joy and excitement when they talk to you, that’s an easy indication they’re talking about things they love.

If people have low energy when they talk to you, that’s an indication of the opposite.

Now what?

After answering these tough questions, you may be facing answers that make you uncomfortable.

But just because you didn’t get the answers you wanted, it doesn’t mean you must immediately end the relationship (although that is certainly one option–one necessary option for some).

You can either:

End the relationship.

You may need to just walk away and remove the person from your life entirely.

If that’s what it takes to protect and prioritize your mental health, emotional peace, and personal growth, then that is exactly what you should do.

If it’s not right, and it’s not healthy, walk away.

Recategorize the relationship.

Not all ties can be fully or instantaneously severed.

In these cases, distancing yourself from the person and recategorizing the relationship is the best bet.

Not everyone deserves to be close to you.

Not everyone can be close to you.

You may presently have an acquaintance in a friend slot.

You may need to downgrade your classification of that person from friend to acquaintance.

You may have a boyfriend in an acquaintance slot.

Sometimes, you try to date people, and realize they are a better fit in a platonic role in your life.

You may have a bestie in a co-worker slot.

Just because you work with someone and spend a lot of time in proximity to them, it doesn’t mean they need to be your best friend, or make sense as your best friend.

Work on the relationship.

Maybe you have someone categorized properly, but the relationship is not perfect, but it is fixable.

How do you know that the relationship is salvageable and the person doesn’t warrant being walked away from?

Is this person growing?

In order for them to do that and be getting better, they can’t be the kind of person who always has to be right, save face, or look good as far as other people’s perception of them.

They cannot be prideful, and they must be self-aware.

If you’re dealing with a person who is open to feedback, and is actively engaging in self-improvement activities like therapy, journaling, meditation, or mentorship, then your relationship with them, although imperfect, is at least headed in the right direction.